Enter The Register’s semi-satirical Meta Gift Guide.* It’s a gift guide for the retailers selling gifts for other people, tailored towards their unique needs.
You know what goes well with a sugar rush? Caffeine. But anyone who’s ever sold electronics or high-end apparel knows that a mug of coffee’s a risky choice on the shop floor. Better serve it in a spill-proof ceramic mug – find one with a bonus motivational slogan on the side.
Not that we’re advocating drinking in the workplace, but for those who prefer their liquid sanity to be alcoholic, we thought this bracelet flask had a subtle appeal.
Let’s face it, whatever state you’re in, you’ll be on your feet a lot during the month leading up to Christmas. If your uniform requirements allow, you could get your loved ones to gift you a trendy pair of sneakers to keep your feet happy, or invest in some orthotic in-soles.
Some staff love them, some would rather lose a pinky finger than wear them. That’s right, we’re talking about festive accessories. Bonus points if there’s a flashing LED light or a full-size Christmas ornament somehow incorporated.
Most of you probably won’t be allowed to use noise-cancelling headphones to drown out stressed customers and repetitive Christmas carols, but dreaming is free, right?
When the clock strikes closing time, customers don’t always get the memo – especially when they’re desperate to complete their shopping lists. A fog machine will clear the floor effectively while masking your exit from co-workers. Alternatively, you could add some sound and light effects and transform the store into a Christmas party venue!
When the party’s over and you really do need to go home, a cattle prod should take care of the stragglers.
Merry Christmas, retailers. Don’t work too hard.
* Please don’t actually do any of this stuff. Except the lollies and the coffee. The in-soles are probably sensible, too. Definitely steer clear of festive accessories though.