The future of overpriced, terrible fashion choices is here, and if companies are working to win the race of ‘most terrible’ then we have a few selected winners.
I like a good innovative item just as much as the next person, but sometimes innovations go too far and become insanity.
Fashion is forever changing, the number of articles and stories I have read with a caption along the lines of, “10 worst beauty trends from the 90’s!”, “Why are people still wearing this mystery item!”, “Click here to see the worst thing you could ever wear in the 1800’s while you’re busy trying not to die from the black plague.”
One thing we’re not short on as a society is fashion magazines. Constantly trying to keep up with the fast-paced life of fashions on-going multiple personality disorder.
But sometimes items are just nonsense, and to make matters worse these nonsense items are usually super expensive.
So here are the top nonsense items of 2017 so far:
Are you wanting to nail that tough, rugged manly look, but don’t like rolling around in a puddle of mud? Well, Nordstrom has got you covered.
People who would never get mud on their jeans can now buy them pre-muddied for the princely sum of $651 - plus shipping and taxes.
They are splattered with imitation dried mud, which is topped with imitation wet mud, for the consumer who wants to appear as though they have taken a rest period on at least two occasions spent in very close proximity with damp earth.
But wait, there's more.
The jeans can be worn with a matching denim jacket, which is rather confusingly soaked in mud from the shoulders down. To really nail that ‘I got caught under a falling pile of wet mud but yet I am still devastatingly handsome’ vibe that most men think they have.
A window to the other side:
Ladies, you can stop holding your breath. After months and month of literally no one requesting it; see-through jeans are finally here.
Topshop's new fully plastic jeans are like an unnecessary raincoat for your ass. With makeshift pockets and even a see-through zip design, these pants scream condensation.
For the cool price of $100, you can wear pants while also showing off the legs you haven’t shaved in two weeks because it’s winter.
On the plus side, these jeans are machine washable. However, you could also save water by just wiping them down with a sponge probably.
Topshop recommends you dress them up for a costume party or festival, or dress them down with an oversized jumper. Both options sound unfortunately moist.
The Balenciaga blunder:
If there is one industry known for innovation, it is the high fashion industry. And although there is a lot more wiggle room when it comes to major designers experimenting, some things just can’t be forgiven.
Early this month, Balenciaga, the storied French fashion house currently helmed by Demna Gvasalia of Vetements fame, dropped a comically oversized blue tote bag.
The bag was identical to the IKEA shopping bag and sent people into hysterics after discovering the statement accessory carries a $2,145 price tag.
As a lifetime fan of IKEA bags, I’m glad that Balenciaga is drawing attention to their flawless design. And I only wish I could afford it –if only I could give up my four coffees a week for the next three years.
Do you remember back in the early 2000’s when you had track pants that unzipped to three-quarter lengths, and then again to shorts? Do you think back and think "Whoa, that was the worst fashion choice of my life"? Well, rest easy knowing now there is something much worse: convertible jorts.
Living proof, we have created the end of times for denim. The shorts themselves are more like denim underwear you’d find a 15-year-old wearing mid-winter. I guess convertible jornderpants didn’t quite have the same ring to it.
What is even better about this middle-finger to all things denim, is that they retail at a cool $425. Which is fair as you’re basically paying for jeans, shorts, and a complete loss of pride.
To look this fashionable and still have a cold butt is no easy feat. But if booty jorts are what you're after, you’ve hit the jackpot.
Clear panel jeans:
Have your kneecaps been Vitamin D deprived lately? Do you like the look of jeans with torn knees but also crave the knee sweat of plastic pants? Then we’ve got the fashion statement for you: high-waisted — literally “Mom jeans” — with clear plastic panels that make it look like your knees are on sale in a toy store.
Topshop strikes again with its undeniable talent of ruining something so simple to get right. Now, everyone around you will be able to see how beautiful your knees are, a fashion choice which means you only have to shave about 20cm of each leg.
Topshop advises people to machine wash, but don’t put it in the dryer as then obviously part of your pants will melt.
These irresistible pantaloons will only set you back a cool $95. A very small price to pay to say "Hey, I’m respectable, but my knees like to have fun.”
"Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should." - Dr. Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park (1993).